The Tangle Teezer and Tight Curls - A Review

I've heard so many glowing reviews of the Tangle Teezer. I even published a reader's praise for it here last year. Somehow though, I couldn't quite bring myself to order one because I have so many detangling tools and a method that works. The Tangle Teezer recently became available for $10 at Sally's Beauty Supply and as I passed by a Sally's during my holiday shopping I decided to pop in and take a little look. I didn't intend to buy one, but after touching it I marched right up to the cash register with a purple one in my hand.

It was the touching that did it. I've never felt another detangling tool quite like it. The plastic bristles are short, and arranged in rows that alternate slightly longer bristles with shorter ones. The bristles are thin and very pliable. I can't feel seems on the bristles either.

They bend this way. They bend that way.

I tried it Little R's 3b (ish) hair first. I sectioned Little R's damp hair, added some detangling product, and used my finger detangling techniques to separate the ends. I then used the Tangle Teezer, starting near the end of her hair and brushing through to the end. As that became detangled, I moved the brush a little closer to the scalp for the next pass through to the end. I moved the start point a little closer to the scalp each time, until we progressed to brushing the length of her hair from scalp to ends. It was impressive. Little R's hair is easy to detangle, but it was so fast with the Tangle Teezer. While finger detangling the next section, I found a large knot. I though it would be a good test of the brush. I ran the Tangle Teezer over it lightly, expecting it to catch on the knot. When it didn't, I though I must have inadvertently let go of that little piece of knotted hair. I went searching and couldn't find the knot anywhere. The Tangle Teezer removed it effortlessly. I stood there in the bathroom with my mouth hanging open for a good 30 seconds.

The little booklet that comes with the brush indicates that it can be used on wet or dry hair. It instructs users to brush from the roots down. It also shows an illustration of long, blond, straight hair. I did do a couple of quick experiments on Little R, using the brush according to the instructions, and then trying it from the ends of the hair without a little finger detangling first. In both cases, it tugged. It yanked her hair enough to elicit a big, "OW!"

On Little R, the brush removed lint that I couldn't even see and was excellent for removing shed hair. I found that I had to have a tissue handy to get rid of the shed hair as I went. I also needed to rinse the brush a couple of times to avoid redepositing lint on her hair. I can be hard to get lint out of the brush with just a rinse, but I found that using a tiny bit of shampoo to wash it helps, as does swishing the bristles in a sink filled with a little water. Like so:

When I tried it on Little B's 4b hair, she had been wearing a protective style for weeks followed by a few days wearing a twist out. I had a lot of tangled and trapped shed hair. To begin, I sectioned in her into about eight sections. I worked with one section at a time, adding detangler, and finger detangling. Instead of reaching for my detangling comb next, I went right for the Tangle Teezer. Again, I ignored the booklet instructions and worked from the ends of the hair first (as described above). It was pretty amazing. It was easy to guide the Tangle Teezer though and her hair was very thoroughly detangled in far less time. Used this way, it never once pulled or snagged. I felt very confident that it wasn't causing any breakage and I was removing appropriate amounts of shed hair. I did have to stop and remove hair from the brush and rinse it a few times, but even with the breaks to wash the brush I've never detangled that fast.

On Little B's hair, it wasn't nearly as good at removing lint, but to be be fair, I think she needs a little trim and some tiny bits of fuzz might have been stuck around fairy knots or split ends. Later uses of the Tangle Teezer proved that it too can tug when used too briskly. A slow pace and a steady hand produce great results though. 

We've been using it for about seven weeks now and it's been great. The shape of the brush even feels good to hold. It's just a really well thought out, well-desinged tool. If you give it a try, I recommend ignoring the instructions and starting at the ends and working toward the roots. I also suggest detangling in sections, with product, and finger detangling some first to be sure of avoiding damage.

I give the Tangle Teezer 5 out of 5 star beads!


Update 2/17/11: I've read a couple of reviews that mention Tangle Teezer bristles that don't feel all that smooth. If you are planning to get the brush, do use the little pass through window in the package to feel the bristles before you buy. They should feel smooth. If they don't, reconsider purchasing. For another perspective on the Tangle Teezer, head over The Natural Haven.

If Mama Ain't Happy...

Ain't nobody happy.

Isn't that the truth? We have a lot to do and usually don't have much time in which to do it. It can be hard enough to find the hours necessary to devote to hair care and I know for many of us, it's a gotta-get-it-done rush. If you are like me, the focus is on completing the task in the time I've allotted. When we have a task to complete, our own comfort and well-being can be the furthest thing from our minds. Most moms I know rate their own comfort dead last in the list of family priorities.

I think that taking the time to show ourselves a little consideration and kindness makes for a much happier hair time. If I do what I need to make sure I'm comfortable as we start a hair session, detangling and styling time can be relaxed and playful. Comfort makes for a better mood, and I've noticed that my attitude has a direct impact on how the girls react to our hair sessions. The opposite is true too, if I'm tense, pressured, and out of sorts, I may rush the job increasing the likelihood of a rough and painful session.

Often it's those little things that seem inconsequential that actually make the most difference. I feel a little silly telling grown women to do these seemingly obvious things, but if I had a dollar for every single time I ignored these suggestions, I could buy something really fancy. Here are some suggestions to help keep us all happy:

"Put on a sweater! Mama's cold!"
Have you every said that to your child? I've said it dozens of times, but do I ever stop and warm myself up? No. Being cold is one thing that will make me really squirm during hair time. If I'm cold to begin with, the addition of liquid hair products and damp hair turns my hands to icicles. When they are that cold, they get stiff and I end up pulling the hair because my fingers are getting numb. Then everyone is miserable.

Sitting for long periods of time when you are too cold or too hot is so uncomfortable, right? Be sure to grab a sweater and a warm drink, or a fan and something cool to sip, before you start. It's great to do a whole body systems check before you begin.

Have a little something yummy. 
I know many of us stop for snack breaks for the kids and ignore our own hunger pangs. Sometimes a little snack means the difference between a rush to finish so we can eat something already and a slower approach. That crashy feeling I get when I haven't eaten in a while turns me into some kind of crazed monster as we get near the end of hair time. It's not a good look.

How's your posture? How is your child's?
I recently detangled Little B's hair while she was in the tub. Afterward I reflected that I'm so grateful she doesn't prefer that because my back was screaming. The next week we detangled in our usual way, with Little B sitting on a pillow and resting her back against the couch while I sat on the couch. While doing this I noticed that familiar twinge in back. I checked our posture and noticed she was leaning forward and I was leaning with her to get to her hair. The more she leaned, the more I hurt. Having her sit against the couch made a world of difference to my back. Not being in pain sure works wonders at lifting my mood.

The difference here is just a few inches and my back
noticed it long, long before my brain did.

Stay loose.
It's easy to get an idea of how we want to style hair fixed in our minds before we actually sit down. Things don't always go according to plan though. Approaching each styling session as a maybe rather than a must can help reduce the frustration when things don't go according to plan. Being prepared to switch things up brings the tension level of a styling session way down.

You time. Me time.
After spending hours washing, detangling and styling hair, we deserve a break. If you can, try to take a little time to regroup after such a sustained effort. Maybe a nap or a little quiet time for everyone is just what you need. Maybe a little exercise, or a good book, or some computer time is just the thing to transition to the rest of the day. Whatever your helpful, soothing, me-time thing is, don't feel guilty about doing it for a while. Hair time can be hard work.

I've also noticed that I'm happiest with hair time if I've gotten some exercise before we begin. It pushes the whole schedule back but the ease it brings is so worth it.

What's for dinner, mom?
This great tip comes from Martha. If you are finishing hair time near dinner time, give yourself a cooking break. It can be so stressful to finish a long hair session at 4:00 or 5:00 knowing you have to head to the kitchen to cook. If you have someone who can prepare that meal for you, let them. If not, plan on serving leftovers, order a pizza, or nuke something quickly. Cereal makes an excellent dinner every now and then, especially when eaten in cozy PJs. If you are the plan ahead type, cooking a few favorite meals that go right into the freezer can be a wonderful time saver and give you all something to look forward to during hair time. Pull one out and heat it on hair day and you'll have an instant, delicious, and nourishing meal.

Need to let it go? Wave bye bye!
What if you get to hair time and you are in a crummy mood that has brought a suitcase and plans to stay awhile? What if you are sick, or tired, or both? What if you had a plan that just isn't going to happen without a monumental effort that will leave you exhausted and/or in tears? What if it's the first beautiful day in a long time and everyone just wants to get outside?  Let hair go. Skip it. I'm convinced that these are the reasons they invented headbands, and pony Os, and wash 'n' go styles.

What are your happy mama tips for hair time?

Sensory Issues and Hair Care

As we've discovered this week, it can take hard work and know-how to produce a pain-free hair session. If your child has Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) hair care can be vastly more complex. How do you care for coils if certain kinds of touch are excruciating? This post isn't going to apply to a lot of you. Read it anyway. Read it because you never know who you might meet someday and what you can share with them.

Let's start with one family's story. Mommy L has generously agreed to share her experiences with SPD and hair care. This are the techniques that work for Mommy L and her Little M.

I am mom to two beautiful Ethiopian daughters. Both of my girls have lovely, very kinky, very curly hair. My eight year old loves her curls and enjoys having beautiful hair. She spends much time thinking about styles and dreaming about her hair. She enjoys choosing hairstyles and we enjoy the time we spend working on her hair together. My four year’s hair is more complicated. Although she loves looking pretty and aspires to be a beautiful princess, she does not like having her hair styled. Actually, she doesn’t even like to have her head touched.

Little M has Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) Like many kids with SPD, Little M quickly becomes overwhelmed with sensory overload. For most people, the nervous system takes in sensory input and allows people to react appropriately. In kids with SPD, sensory input is not organized by the brain into an appropriate physical or emotional response. Little M is a sensory avoider. Too much sensory input is overwhelming for her. She covers her ears when we’re at a parade or when the church organ is too loud. She doesn’t like to be jostled and bumped by other people. Normal preschool line ups or sitting near people in the bleachers can send Little M right over the edge. Light touch is very hard for her to interpret, so when teachers or other kids reach up to touch her hair, she reacts as if in pain. Her physical therapist told us that it is likely that Little M actually feels pain even when she is even lightly touched on the head which makes it difficult when folks just want to compliment her on her hairstyle. As you can imagine, hair days are a challenge for us.

Little M joined our family when she was just eleven months old. As her hair grew, people advised me to do something with her hair every day so she would get used to having her hair touched. She always hated it. Although I faithfully tried to brush or detangle her hair often, it never got any better. She cried each time I touched her hair.

I didn’t understand her sensory defensiveness until we sought physical therapy for the SPD. Now, although we have a routine that works, hairstyling can still be overwhelming and difficult for her. I do know that what I’ve learned about SPD has made it better for both of us.

We do a new style for Little M about every three weeks. We rotate through just a few styles that are her favorites and can hold up and look presentable for the entire three weeks. We set aside an evening and the following morning to finish.

I typically give Little M ibuprofen about an hour to an hour and a half ahead of hair time. I prepare a nice warm bath and take her dry braids out in the tub. Then we wash her hair and condition it well. I do as much detangling with my fingers as possible in the tub until the water is cold or she needs new scenery.

Kids with SPD often find drinking with straws or baby bottles very calming. I give Little M warm chocolate milk in a baby bottle when she’s out of the tub. I continue to detangle using LOTS of product. We work until she and I are both spent. I put one or two French braids in her hair, put a sleep cap on and settle in to rock and go to bed. It’s really important that the two of us reconnect and bond after hair time.

We begin with the ibuprofen and a warm bath for the styling on day two. If I was able to detangle well on day one, styling day goes quickly. If we need to continue with the detangling, we might need to spread hair time over several hours. I almost always do some of her hair in corn rows. Corn rows last week, tangle only a bit and can handle lots of product to keep the hair healthy.

During the braiding, Little M drinks her warm milk, plays with playdough or other small toys and watches something on TV. She chooses beads or accessories. Little M is afraid of the hair beader, so I coat the ends of her braids with conditioner and a wrap the ends with foil. We put the beads right on the foil and bend the foil ends to hold the beads in place. Then we celebrate, take pictures and admire!

Little M does better when her life is very routine. I let her know several days in advance that hair day is coming. I keep reminding her of where we are in the process and we celebrate when we’re finished. She really does love to be beautiful and we both love it when hair day is over once again!

For children with tactile defensiveness and difficulty tolerating light touch, there are additional techniques that help with desensitization. These can be learned from a qualified Pediatric Occupational Therapist. Techniques may include body brushing followed by joint compression, or even the use of a weighted blanket.  If you think your child could benefit from desensitizing techniques, please call your pediatrician for a recommendation for a Pediatric Occupational Therapist in your area. There are videos demonstrating techniques, and while they may be useful to have a quick look at what brushing and joint compression look like, they are not substitutes for evaluation, training, and supervision provided by an Occupational Therapist. Attempting a technique such as joint compression without proper instruction and supervision can cause injury. Weighted blankets must be chosen based on a child's size and weight.

Sometimes children have other sensitivities that must be addressed during hair time. As I've mentioned this several times throughout the history of Happy Girl, Little B can't stand to have drips of water from her hair fall on her. This causes her very real distress, edging toward panic. A sensitivity to water dripping on the skin can be hard to deal with when hair has to be washed. Here are some techniques we use:

• We put an absorbent cloth headband, or sweatband, around the hairline and over the ears the minute we have rinsed the conditioner from the hair. This has been incredibly helpful as it reduces the dripping sensation dramatically. The headband gets soaked, but that seems preferable to any drips. If we have to change the headband, we do. Sometimes we double them up. 

This is Little B helping to finger detangle her hair.
Note how the headband is across her forehead and over her ears. 

• In addition to the headband, I cover her hair before she even steps out of the tub. A microfiber towel would be a good choice to help soak up as much water as possible, but we use an old Tshirt which works quite well. I put the head hole of the shirt around her head so it covers her entire hair line and let the body of the shirt enclose her hair. 
• We keep a hand towel close by during all detangling and styling session in case I have to spray her hair with water. I place the towel around her shoulders and up around the back of her neck so it meets her hairline in the back. It's a quick fix for catching any drips.

An sensitivity to scent can be another bump in the hair care road for many kids. We often need to use a few products that all have different scents. If your child is overwhelmed by the scents of hair products, consider going with unscented products. It's good to note thought that unscented doesn't mean the product doesn't smell like anything, it just means no fragrance has been added. You can read a post about unscented products here. Coupling low-scent products with aromatherapy may be a viable technique for getting through hair time.

To learn more about Sensory Processing Disorder, click here.



I'd like to give Mommy L a very big thank you for sharing her experience her at Happy Girl. 

No, Mommy, NO!

Picture this: you announce it's time to do hair and your three year old puts her hands on her head and yells "No mommy, NO!" Now imagine this: you announce it's hair time and your six year old sighs in disgust, rolls her eyes, and says, "but I just started doing something else. I don't want to do hair."

The six old can clearly communicate that she just has other things to do than sit and have her hair done, but it's much harder to tell what is going on with the very vocal preschooler who refuses. It might be fear of the pain that she knows will come at hair time, it might just be that she has better things to do. Little kids are so busy; some kids won't even stop playing long enough to use the bathroom, there is no way they want to sit for an hour or more to get their hair done. The drama a three year old is capable of when forced to do something she doesn't want to do is often Oscar worthy. Some kids just have an aversion to having their heads touched, but it isn't really about pain.

Unfortunately, as parents knows, lots of drama and crying aren't necessarily reliable indications of whether a toddler or preschooler is fearful or just frustrated because she is asked to do something she doesn't want to do. To tell the difference, you may have to rely on more subtle signs and those involve getting her to sit for some kind of hair time. Start with a fed and well-rested child. If you can distract her long enough with toys, food, or videos, here are some signs to look for that indicate pain:

• sharp intake of breath
• wincing
• tense posture/stiff limbs
• holding up hands to her face, neck, or attempting to block your hands
• ducking away to avoid your hands or hair tools
• little coils or short pieces of hair on the comb or detanging tool. This indicates breakage. 
• a snapping sound as the comb passes through the hair. This indicates breakage.

If you see some or all of these signs of pain and distress, it's a good idea to revisit detangling and styling techniques and perhaps try to break the association between pain and hair touching. If you are seeing or hearing breakage as you detangle, the hair may be handled too aggressively, causing pain. There are ways to minimize, even eliminate, pain in hair care. To learn some techniques to try, visit yesterday's post. If your child has an aversion to head touching that isn't about pain, you can try the suggestions for breaking the connection between fear and head touching in yesterday's post. Touching her head often, briefly, and lovingly, without the threat of having her hair done, may help build a positive connection.

If you feel pretty confident that your child isn't in pain and boredom, independence and frustration are the root of the problem, you have a decision to make. You can compel her to sit and have her hair done or not. Some people feel that training a child to sit quietly is a valuable and lasting lesson that is worth the work. I this describes you, check out this post about establishing happier hair time. It includes suggestions for distractions to get your child through. Little R was, or rather, is, my don't-want-to-do-it kid. When she was really little, I found one of the most effective techniques was to give her a Very Important Job that she believed was critical to the success of the mission. It might have been holding product and pouring a little in my hand, or holding a selection of hair tools, or holding accessories as I added them or removed them from her hair.

Other families feel that if a child isn't ready there is no benefit in forcing it. Quite a few families choose short hair until the child requests longer hair. Short hair is infinitely easier and quicker to care for. That can be an excellent solution for girls of any age who just aren't into hair time. I recently got email from the mom of an athletic daughter and we discussed going short as a way to accommodate her daughter's preferences and busy sports schedule. If Little B or Little R requested short hair, I wouldn't hesitate for one second.

The great thing is that we each get to make the decision for our own family. You know your family best. Whichever path you choose is yours, and don't let anyone guilt or shame you into doing something that you feel isn't best for your family.

Tips for Reducing Fear and Pain in Hair Care

Let's get right down to business today. A lot of these tips have been posted here at Happy Girl at other times, but today I'd like to try to get as many as we can in one place. I would really like you to add your techniques in the comments to make this as comprehensive a list as we can. I'll also add your tips to this list.

First I'd like to talk about fear and apprehension. Speaking from experience, when a child has routinely felt pain during hair care or styling, she will come to expect it. She'll fear and dread the next session of hair time. That fear exacerbates the pain during the next hair day. The pain comes and confirms the fear. Some kids arrive in new homes with an established association between pain and having their heads touched. If you think this is happening and want to break the cycle, here is a technique that has been successful for other families:

• Touch the child's head gently and affectionately at every opportunity while saying positive, loving things to your child. You can touch it lightly and very briefly at first, with an I Love You. As you do this over days or weeks, you can judge when she is ready for a longer touch and longer message about how wonderful she is and how much you love her. This is done independent of hair care. 
• If you can, put away your hair tools. During this time, try to avoid your regular hair rituals. If you child has longer hair, perhaps you can do a wash and go or try something very simple like a few braids. I would also avoid anything that takes very long to do and try hard to work primarily with your fingers. If your child has short hair, a wash and go and light finger styling will be fine until you build a positive association between head touching and hair time.  You can still add hair moisturizers, perhaps asking your child to help if she is old enough. Stick with this until you feel she's ready to try regular hair time again. Her hair may not look great for the duration of this, but does it really matter? The benefit is potentially huge. 

You think you've overcome some of the fear and negative associations and it's time to move on to actual hair time. Maybe you're just looking for a kinder, gentler hair time experience. Some of these may seem obvious, some not. Here are some things to try:

• Is your little one warm, fed and comfy?
• Taking care of creature comforts is one way to ensure a good experience. Of course it will hurt more if she is sitting there freezing. If she'd like a cozy nest of pillows and blankets, go for it. If it's hot and shed' like a fan blowing on her, set it up in a way that makes her comfortable.  Making sure she is fed and also has snacks and a drink within reach are very helpful. 
• If you detangle in the tub, be sure that is her preference. Some kids don't enjoy having their hair worked on while they are busy playing in the tub or just don't like being wet, and some really do. If you are struggling with tub detangling, try dry land and see if it is any easier. 
• Distract, Distract, Distract.
• TV consumption limits are forgotten on hair day at my house. If watching Babies every week is what it takes, then that's what we'll do. Legos, coloring, allowing her to play with items normally off limits (think bandaids and flashlights), and asking her to help are all great distractions. If you have an iPod or other electronic thingy that is otherwise off limits, this might be a good time to bend that rule. (Thanks to Jamey for the iPod suggestion.) A doll with hair your child can style while you style hers is a great distraction too. (This tip courtesy of Stacie.)
• Keep detangling to a minimum.
• Detangling is simply for removing shed hair before mats form and to prepare the hair for styling. Detangling is not something that needs to be, or should be, done daily. Not sure how to care for short hair or loose hair without a comb? Here is a video on caring for loose hair. 
• You already have a free magical hair tool - your fingers.
• Finger detangling is something just short of miraculous in the difference it can make. Taking the time to do that step can literally make detangling pain-free.
• While comb detangling, hold the hair firmly near the scalp to reduce pulling. This can be really helpful in reducing the painful tugging sensation. Hold the hair like so:

• Your fingers and hands can act as an early warning system too. If your fingers are getting cramped when styling, check to make sure you aren't pulling and styling too tightly. That can cause pain for you both.
• Style according to conditions.
• You know to drive slower when the roads are wet, or stay home in a blizzard. When your child isn't feeling great, slow way down. You may have abandon your styling plans or even change plans half way through. Do it - without hesitation or regret. 
• Schedule hair time - or don't.
• Some kids respond better when they know what to expect and when to expect it. Others will tolerate hair time better if you do hair when a good opportunity arises. Try both and see which your child prefers.
• Let good products work for you. 
• A good detangler can make a world of difference. You may have to experiment to find one with enough slip for you. Look under the products link at the top of the page for reviews here are HGH.
• A Tangle Teezer might be your new best friend ($10 at Sally's, watch for a full review here next Monday). For most curl types, try it on damp hair, with with a detangling product, and work from the ends toward the scalp. If you finger detangle a bit first, and hold the hair firmly at the base, this tool can go from great to absolutely amazing.

• If you use a comb to detangle, make sure it is a wide-toothed comb with smooth seams or a detangling comb. Remember, picks are not detangling tools and can cause plenty of pain.
• Spray leave-ins are great for refreshing styles and loose curls, and adding a bit of moisture without having to touch the hair much. They can be used as a quick morning, post nap, or before bed spritz. 
• Frequent breaks are everyone's friend. 
• Even during short styling/detangling sessions, a break to stretch, use the bathroom, run around the house a few times, have a snack, have a pillow fight, or do a goofy dance can help make everyone more comfortable, release tension, and shift the energy. 
• Consider longer term styles to reduce the number of hair sessions, or signature styles to make the session short. 
• Protective styles like box braids and twists can be worn for weeks. They can even be washed. Use a good quality moisturizing styling aid with hold to help keep the hair in good condition and to help hold the style. Yarn braids are an option for a longer term style.
• A signature style is a simple one that you do so often and well, it's a snap to put in. 
• Short hair is beautiful! So are locs!
• Often the main pain-causing aspect of hair care is detangling. Shorter hair is much easier to datangle, and it's cute as button. Locs are a way for your child to enjoy longer hair without having to detangle. Both locs and short hair require regular maintenance, but styling can be kept to a minimum if you wish.
• Work in sections
• For long, tightly coiled hair, this can be a sanity-saving technique for you both. You can wash, detangle and style in sections and that keeps you from having to further detangle as you style. Here is a post on washing in sections. (Thank you to Martha for this suggestion.)
• Style in her sleep.
• Although my kids have fallen asleep during hair time, starting off with when they are asleep hasn't worked yet. Don't be afraid to try it though, you never know. It may take more than a few tries to before your child stops waking while you work. 
• Get help.
• That help might be a partner, older child, friend or relative to provide a distraction, or it may be a trip to a salon. Watching someone else do your child's hair may teach you some techniques to try. 
• Let her choose her style.
• If she is old enough, give her a choice between a couple of styles you know you can accomplish in the time you have. If she has something invested in the process, she might be better able to tolerate it. (Thanks to Courtney for this tip!)
• Let her play with your hair!
• This is a great two-way empathy builder. It also helps reduce the fear of hair tools and hair time in general. You can read about our adventures with this here and here. (Thank you to Jamey for adding this tip.)

Remember to watch your child for cues. You might not be on the same page about what is a gentle enough touch. Subtle signs that she might be uncomfortable include whimpers, squirming, lifting the hands to the eyes or back of the neck, or inhaling sharply. If you see any of these more subtle cues, take a break and evaluate what might be happening.

Please keep in mind that these techniques are just suggestions and if you think there is a deeper issue, you should consult your pediatrician. A therapist may be very helpful in teaching techniques to use with children experiencing sensory issues.

Okay, your turn. Add your tips below.

Tenderheaded

We all have nerve endings, so we can all feel pain on our scalps. In that sense, we are all have tender heads. For those with curls, the potential for pain is ever-present. The curly, swirly, coily hairs on our heads become intertwined and any time we work with them and try to separate them, there is potential for snagging and tugging. The result can be very painful.

We all know that when hair is pulled, the scalp hurts, but the degree to which it hurts is a very individual. We all have our own tolerance for pain and how we experience it can can change depending on how we feel, what we are doing, and our physical state. Illness might magnify what would normally be tolerable. Hunger, thirst, other physical discomforts, fear, and apprehension can all make pain harder to bear. Alternatively, a compelling distraction can make pain much easier to handle.

We know that curly/coily hair care can hurt, but it doesn't have to. For those with sensory processing issues, the slightest touch may be excruciating, but for the vast majority of people, even those with more pronounced sensitivities, there are techniques that will make hair care much more tolerable. What saddens me is seeing the word tenderheaded used as an excuse to keep inflicting pain. Obviously, the occasional unexpected snag will happen, but I believe we can each find a path to an overall positive hair experience for our kids. It may take time, work, creative thinking, and an open mind. In my case it took a willingness to admit that my definition of gentle wasn't the same as my kids' definition, and then a whole lot research and experimentation.

Forget advice that suggests we just plow ahead through tears, screams and tantrums. We can do better than dismissing our kids' pain, fear, and distress in the name of getting the job done. We all have different pain tolerances, but shrugging and saying a child is just tenderheaded is not an excuse to keep tugging away at that child's hair if she in pain.

I hear from moms who are at wit's end because they are trying their hardest to be gentle and their child is obviously in pain during detangling time. I have a lot of respect for moms who stand up and to say the pain isn't right and ask for help. Tomorrow, we'll talk about specific techniques. If you need help, come and read. If you have helpful suggestions to give, come and add them. 

Fear and Loathing in the Play Room

Let me take you way back in time and set a scene for you.

Little B's hair has just recently grown long enough to require a hair day session of detangling and styling. She hates the feeling of wet hair, so we lug a pick and a brush, some hair products, and some pony tail holders out to the play room. I sit on a spare crib mattress we keep around for the kids to bounce on. She sits on the floor between my knees with a book. As I lift the comb to her hair, and start trying to get through it, I notice a weird smell is wafting up from her. It isn't recognizable to me.

I take quick, tentative passes at her hair, working from the ends. I'm doing my best to be gentle and get it done as fast as possible. Her shoulders tense. I work harder to get it done. Her hands go to her face and her eyes squeeze shut. I stop and ask her if she's okay. She tells me it hurts. I don't know what to do. I'm trying my best to be gentle. I'm doing the only thing I know to do. It feels like she is rejecting my best efforts to be gentle and still it get done. I tell her I'm sorry and try to finish. Tears escape from her eyes. Her hair is almost detangled, but we still have styling to do.

We finish the detangling and take a break. She wipes the tears away and I giver her some kid's Tylenol. We sit down for styling but I know that once she gets to the point of a few tears, it's just going to get worse. I start a style, but I suck at this and a simple style takes me forever. I try not to pull, but she has had enough and is weeping. My frustration is growing. We are almost there and I don't think I'm doing anything that would hurt at this point. I barely hold it together to finish. I dry her tears, feed her, and put her to bed for a nap. She sleeps for solidly for three hours; she's utterly exhausted by her morning ordeal. I'm worn out. Another hair day is done, but it's cost us both far too much.

************************************************************************************
It's hard to think back on that and even harder to write about, but it was our reality.  Since then, I've done a lot of hair -related things that I could be proud of - but I'm not. The only hair care I am truly proud of is admitting that I was wrong, admitting she was truly scared and in pain, and that I was lost.

Not so happy days. My tools were a pick, a completely
 inappropriate comb, a brush and some bands sure to tug on her hair.

It wan't easy to tell you how lost I was. I remember more than a few hair days when I cried after she had gone down for her nap and as I told my husband that I didn't understand why she cried so much when I was so gentle. I didn't have a clue that my gentle wasn't hers. I didn't understand that a tentative and quick touch was not gentle. I didn't understand that the weird smell was sweat and fear; I didn't get that she anticipated the pain and when the pain came it confirmed her fears. I didn't get how powerless she must have felt because the grown up who was supposed to love her hurt her head every week and she had to submit to it.

Once I did understand all of those things, our world expanded and we both experienced a sea change. I went looking for information and I found it in many places. I had to piece it all together, but I learned. I figured out how to detangle with my fingers first and that pain disappeared. I learned how to watch for a whisper of discomfort and correct the problem before it became something more. I learned how to work her preferences into hair time. I learned not to pull when styling. I learned to keep my hands loose and to keep her styles loose. I could have told myself she's just tenderheaded and muscled though anyway, but our life together wouldn't have been the same.

I want you to know all of this as we begin our pain series for two simple reasons. I want you to know that:

• I've been there and I get it.
• If you are there now, there is a path from there to here. 

A Week of Pain

No, really. 

I talk about gentleness in hair care all the time, but I know that pain and fear accompanies hair care for many, many kids with curls and coils. How do I know? Well, because sometimes some of you tell me, but more because I've lived it. This week we aren't side-stepping it, brushing it off, or pretending it doesn't exist. We are talking about pain, fear, and hair care all week long. Here is what the week looks like right now:

Monday: Fear and Loathing in the Play Room. 
This is our story of overcoming pain, fear, frustration and occasional hair time rage.

Tuesday: Tenderheaded
What's it all about?

Wednesday: Tips for Reducing Fear and Pain in Hair Care
Techniques to make hair time less frightening, stressful, and painful.

Thursday: No, Mommy, NO!
Telling the difference between real pain and a child's disinterest in having her hair done.

Friday: Sensory Issues and Hair Care
Today discuss ways to make hair time more tolerable for those with sensory issues.

Saturday: If Mama Ain't Happy...
Taking care of yourself makes for a better hair time. We'll discuss what makes mama happy, or at least comfortable.

I'd love your participation in the form of comments this week. Please jump in with any experiences, insights, questions you want to share. I will be approving all comments this week before publication, so your contribution may take a little time to show up. Thanks for your understanding.

Toddler R wants you to make yourself a cup of tea
tomorrow, then sit down to Happy Girl Hair.
We have things to talk about. 

Beautiful Curls Leave-in and Detangler Review

This past Fall, Alaffia debuted a new line called Beautiful Curls. The line contains a series of products for tighter coils, looser curls and waves, and products they label Babies & Up. Today I'm reviewing the Curl Nurturing Shea Butter Leave-in & Detangler for Babies & Up.

This detangler/leave-in contains calendula extract (aqueous), neem leaf extract (aqueous), certified Fair Trade shea butter, virgin coconut oil, cetearyl alcohol (and) behentrimonium chloride, emulsifying wax, panthenol, potassium sorbate, magnesium sulfate, chlorine chloride, coconut oil (and) vanilla flower extract (and) mango fruit extract, citric acid. It is available in 12 oz bottle and costs $12 through the Beautiful Curls web site. I bought mine on sale at Whole Foods.

The scent of Curl Nurturing Leave-in is a bit hard for me to pin down. It's kind of sweet and fruity but there is something else there. I feel like the fruity scents are masking something fairly unpleasant underneath. I suspect it's the neem extract. Neem has a unique and often really, um, yucky scent. In fact, neem is useful as a non toxic insect repellant for people and pets. The first time I tested this, I put it on my own hair and got an immediate and intense headache.

The scent didn't bother the girls at all so I tried the product on them for a few weeks as both a leave-in and a detangler. As a detangler, it was okay. It has slip and leaves a silky feel. As a leave-in, I thought the hair felt a bit coated without moisturizing the hair as much as I wanted.

I never got used to the smell of this product and since it wasn't performing as needed it to, I stopped using it as soon as I could. I do appreciate that the shea butter for this product comes from Alaffia's fair trade cooperative in Togo and that 10% of sales are allocated to community projects in Togo. For me, this particular product doesn't even come close to Alaffia's regular hair lotion.

Because the leave-in did moisturize to some extent and worked as a detangler, I give Beautiful Curls Shea Butter Leave-in and Detangler three out of five star beads.


I've heard quite a few good things about the Curl Activating Leave-in for tighter curls, but haven't tried it because my nearest Whole Foods is always out of it. That's probably a good sign too. I also tried the Curl Reviving Tonic and the Curl Defining Gel. I don't think I'll be reviewing them though because I used them on my own hair rather than the girls. If you do want to see those reviews anyway, let me know.

Have you tried anything anything from this line? What do you think?

Good to Know: The Difference Between "Baby Hair" and Broken Hair

I got a great question from a reader the other day. She wanted to know if a halo effect which usually heralds breakage could instead be what we colloquially refer to as "baby hair". For the purposes of this post, when I say baby hair, I don't mean the hair on an infant, but those little hairs that live right along the hairline.

If you are unsure about whether you are looking at baby hair or breakage, ask yourself these questions:

• Has that hair been a lot longer than it currently is? If it has lost significant length, you may well be dealing with broken hair. 

• Check the ends. Are they split, knotted, brittle or damaged? That indicates broken hair. 

• Are the hairs fine, downy, very short and never seem to change much or grow long? That is likely baby hair.

Here are some examples of baby hair on Little B and on me. 

In this photo of Little R, you can see both baby hair and nearby breakage.

Not everyone has baby hair along the hairline, and those who do can have it all along the hairline or just in patches. For those who have it, sleek styling a present a challenge. Sometimes baby hair can be smoothed to the side with gels, pomades, hairspray, or styling creams but it can be harder to sweep them straight back into the rest of hair.

Some people like baby hair and some people prefer a cleaner-looking hairline. I think they're cute and nicely soften the hairline. Mine resist any attempts to push them to the side, so I just ignore them when styling. And by styling, I mean rough parting and scrunching with my fingers for 10 seconds. Even though they make my small forehead look even smaller, I like 'em. I ignore Little B's and Little R's too, and never try to incorporate them into a style.

Want to know more? Here's a short post from The Beauty Brains.

Do you have these? Do you like them or would you rather they weren't there?

She is so OVER IT!

I've been styling Little R's hair in increasingly simply ways lately. It's not that I'm out of ideas, it's that she is out of patience. She wants to wear her hair loose and that's it. That isn't very protective, and it's the middle of winter, but it's her hair. She's been patient for a long, long time while I insisted on doing her hair. I would go so far as to say she has been long-suffering, considering how much she dislikes sitting for hair time. I think it's high time to let her wear it the way she wants, at least for a while. I'm going to let her wear her hair loose for 3-4 weeks and we'll evaluate from there. Here's what we are going to do to take care of it:

• She'll wear her hair mostly loose with the occasional braid for the protection of some breakage that's growing out. We'll add barrettes and headbands for decoration.
• At night, I'll put her hair in a few braids to reduce tangling and have her wear her sleep cap. 
• In the morning, I'll unbraid, spritz her hair if needed, add a leave-in, and gently separate the ends with my fingers.
• I'll add a little bit of coconut oil a couple of times a week and add a good amount the night before washes.
• We'll wash once a week with shampoo and add a mid-week co-wash as needed.
• I'll detangle thoroughly once a week.
• I plan to stick with tried and true products and avoid trying anything new for the duration. 

The trick will be convincing her to keep her hands out of her hair. While I typed out the routine, I had to ask her to take her hands out of her hair three times. Hopefully, when the novelty of totally loose hair wears off, she'll touch it less.

Having fun with part lines and a couple of braids.
Wally says hi!

How can I argue with that kind of determination?

I'll post the occasional update here, but don't expect any Little R styles for a while.

Ohh...Shiny!

Once in a while I get a question about how I get my girls' hair so shiny. While tightly coiled hair doesn't reflect as much light and produce a shine, it can have a beautiful sheen. When the occasional photo showing exceptionally shiny hair shows up here, it's understandable that people want to know exactly what I use to achieve what looks like light-bouncing, glowing hair. The answer is simple, but probably not what you are expecting. It's the flash on the camera.

It can be hard to get good hair photos. My house is dark, and my kids are wiggly. I'm impatient and wiggly too, and we are always rushed. I should also mention that my photography skills are sadly lacking and I still haven't learned to use my camera. I try hard to keep the flash from firing on the auto setting because trying to figure out how to turn it off makes me swear, colorfully, in front of the kids. I try not to use the photos taken with the flash at all, but sometimes they slip through. Consider the following photos, taken seconds apart in the same place, one using the flash and one without.

Remarkable difference, isn't it? Little B's hair in that first photo is so bright and shiny - and really unrealistic. In the second photo, her hair looks a little dull. If Little B's hair is a 5 on the shine-o-meter in the first photo, and a 1 in the second, the reality is probably somewhere around a 2.5 or a 3, depending on the products we've used.

It can be easy to lose sight of the fact that what we see on screen is a representation; it's not necessarily what we would see if we were standing in the same room. Camera angles, light and color adjustments, the skills of the photographer, the resolution of the image, compression, and our individual monitors are just some of the factors that alter what we see. The photos you see here are ametuer in every sense. But I can still adjust the balance and choose my angles.

I think its important for all of us to have realistic expectations and go easy on ourselves. As we look for style ideas or hair care tips online, it's wise to be mindful of all the techniques that can make a photo look very different from the reality. We shouldn't spend a moment judging ourselves, adding up our perceived shortcomings, or chasing after something that doesn't reflect reality, based on images we see on the internet.

And that's what I have to say about that.



PS If you are by chance looking for a product to add a little shine to the hair, check out this product review.

2 Good Pony O Ideas

Happy Girl Hair readers are smart. Yesterday, Jill commented on the post about adventures in hair accessory shopping with two really good ideas. Jill said when it's time to wash her Pony Os, she throws them all into a lingerie bag and tosses that in the washer. That's a much smarter way to clean them than hand washing one or two at a time as I usually do.

Jill's next idea for organizing Pony Os is not only really clever, but cheap and cheerful. She uses inexpensive shower curtain rings to organize them by color groups. Every morning, I hear myself asking the girls what colors they have in their outfits and then diving through boxes and bags of accessories to find a match. This would make things so much easier.

Thanks for sharing Jill!

Bad Shopping, Good Shopping

I was strolling down the aisles of Sally's Beauty Supply last month when some pretty, pink, translucent beads caught my eye. I love big beads and these were the perfect size. They were only $1! Frankly, that should have been my first clue that my impulse purchase might not be such a good idea. I didn't think of that though, I just plunked down my money.

Last weekend, I finally got around to opening the package and this is what I found:

Do you see that rough, sharp bit of plastic sticking up on the right side? The seams on the insides of the beads aren't much better. Rather than risk damaging the girls' hair, these are going into the craft box. I'm glad they were only $1 but I wish I had looked carefully first. They are totally unusable for hair. The lesson here is to check hair items carefully before marching up to the register. 

In happier shopping, I decided to refresh my tired and sad collection of hair accessories with a trip to Claire's. I'm rarely disappointed by the goodies I find there. I got some little decorative pony-Os, flower clips and new headbands. I will use the pony-Os over ouchless bands, rather than to hold a style. These have a lot of little pieces on them so I have to extra careful removing them because stray hairs can get caught in the little hearts.

Speaking of hearts, they had a lot of cute Valentine's accessories at Claire's. So if your little one is into Valentine styles, but you are more into throwing a few dollars at decorating the hair rather than spending a few hours styling, check out the selection. I was coveting a cute headband with a big old heart on it but the pony-Os I bought have hearts, and that's enough, right? I'm afraid my girls will have their own ideas about that. 

Where do you like to get hair accessories?

Just for Fun Friday

The girls have started to get choosy about the hairstyles they have in drawings of themselves. It's so interesting to see how the girls represent themselves in their art, but I also get a kick out of how they draw me.

Last week, I was presented with this homemade card after a couple of rough days. And no, I was not bedridden, or quite that sad. Those aren't giant, terrifying spiders crawling around my head and making me faint dead away, they represent the buttons on my headboard. 

In the card, Little B is wearing her two puff style and Little R has loose hair. I only wear earrings a few times a year, but in the girls' drawings they are ever present, even when I'm in bed sick. I love how kids draw in little details that express femininity. I remember drawing pictures of my mom with impossibly long, dangling earrings when I was their age too. Speaking of femininity, here is a picture of me and some of my lady bits feeling much better. 

This was from the 38th birthday card I was just presented with. I won't be turning 38 for quite some time, but I don't mind celebrating early, as long as there are cards like this - and cake. 

Roly Poly Twists

We had a thousand and one things to do this past hair day, so we went about our work quickly. I washed and detangled Little B's hair the night before. As I detangled a section, I put it in a two strand twist to keep it detangled and stretch it a bit. In the morning, I undid the twists before styling. I started this style by making two parts from ear to ear, leaving a fairly large middle section between the parts.

In the center section, I added some styling cream and made one big flat twist starting by her right ear and going right over the crown of her head to the left ear. I ended it with a little puff. In the two remaining sections, I flat twisted as well, but this time I started the twist on the opposite side. I clipped the ends of these twists and banded them when I was sure the style would work. I took the ends of those twists and tucked them together at the very start of the center twist. I used mini bobby pins to secure them. Like so:

I dressed the little puff up with a flower and we were ready to tackle our day.

Why is it that my house contains items that are every shade of pink under the sun, but none of them look good together?

Oyin Handmade Burnt Sugar Pomade Review

I'm going to start this off by clarifying something it took me a little while to fully appreciate. When I think of pomade, I think of a hair product heavy in oils that is mainly used to hold a style. Oyin Handmade's Burnt Sugar Pomade is blend of oils, but it really isn't meant to hold styles. I'm going to be careful to judge it not on my perceptions of what it should do, but on Oyin's description of the product.

Burnt Sugar Pomade contains castor oil, soy wax, organic virgin coconut oil, mango seed oil, olive oil, unrefined hempseed oil, cocoa butter, broccoli seed oil, and fragrance. A 4oz jar is $10 on the Oyin website, but I bought mine months ago through Curl Mart. The scent is like carmel deliciousness. It's sweet and yummy. It is solid but melts when rubbed with the fingers.

At first, I used this product to braid and twist, which wasn't quite the right use. Oyin recommends using it to seal the ends of braids or twist, to add shine, to control fly-aways, to add weight or moisturize the scalp. Once I realized how to use this properly, I tried it along the hair line to smooth the edges. I used it to boost shine a little and I used it to seal the hair after a wash.

Used as intended, Burnt Sugar Pomade delivers what promises. I'm not big on using products just to add shine, but sometimes it's nice for afros and puffs. When Little B's hair was up, I massaged a bit over her ears just where her scalp tends to get dry and it helped keep that skin in good condition. It was also great smelling way to seal the hair after a wash. The girls loved the scent and I think it made them feel good. However, I didn't love the feel of either girls' hair on any of the days after I used this product for sealing. Their hair was not quite crunchy, but it wasn't soft either. The upside is that is definitely didn't feel greasy in any way. My tub of Burnt Sugar Pomade did get gritty after a couple of months, and now it is harder to melt it in my hands and there are some bits that I have to work hard to melt.

While I can't see a permanent place for it in our hair care product line up or our routine, Burnt Sugar Pomade has a few very distinct uses and does its job pretty well.

I give it four out of five star beads.



Have you tried it? What did you think?

Kids and the Beauty Standard

I got a thought provoking question from Mommy R yesterday. She said,

Yesterday they put on television the movie The Princess Diaries do not know if you know it, is a teenager who means is princess of a foreign country and must reign in it. The girl is clumsy and rather ugly and, of course, become pretty to be a princess, the girl had long curly kinki hair and glasses. Makeover was just relax her hair and put contact lenses and she was the most popular of the school. My daughter asked me how I liked it better before or after? I was already looking for where I wanted to leave my daughter with respect to the girl's hair. I would like to tell me your experiences in this regard and that you answer your children. I told Little IW that I liked much more natural than her hair was longer and more beautiful than when she smoothed her hair was all by all other high school girls who had lost her personality. But she stayed with the issue thoughtfully. How we can see our daughters that being natural is nice whith these stereotypes? Especially me I live in a country where there are few black people.

PS: Sorry abaut my english I hope you understand.

This is a big, big question. Many of us are struggling against the a very limited definition of beauty on behalf of our children, and the perpetuation of that beauty standard through popular culture and the people they come in contact with every day. Filling our daughters' lives with appreciation for their natural beauty is critical. We can do that through our words, our loving care, the celebration of their hair, and our general attitude. We can try to show them beautiful reflections of themselves through books, art, and dolls.

We can work hard to fill our girls up with confidence, pride, love, and appreciation for their natural hair, but as anyone raising a daughter knows, a thoughtless comment from a friend, relative, or even stranger or viewing a movie where we are told the heroine is is an ugly duckling with curls who must be transformed into a swan with straight hair can have an impact on how a young girl sees herself. Just a couple of weeks ago, the girls and I were visiting Joyful Dad at work when a women we don't know looked at Little R and said, "You're so pretty!" She looked over at Little B and said, "and you're so...tall." Don't think for a moment that they missed they implication.

When my girls and I come up against the prevailing beauty standard, I like to meet it head on. My girls and I talk about stereotypes and we talk about the beauty standard. We use those exact words so they can put a name to this cultural phenomenon that can make the girls feel less than. Naming something puts it in context. It may not diminish the feelings it brings up, but it makes them less nebulous and less personal. My hope is that by naming what they are experiencing and letting them know it not about them personally, they will not internalize it as deeply. It's not a perfect answer or solution, but I do think it helps. I hope that having a basic understanding also fortifies them for the next time it happens, because there will be a next time.

How are you dealing with this with your daughter? What works for you? What doesn't?

I Love My Hair Art Poster Winner!

I love these fabulous art posters from I Love My Hair artist Andrea Pippins and I'm so excited that one of you will get one right now for your little one.

And the winner is...

Congratulations Ruby! Please email me at joyfulmom@happygirlhair.com by January 15th and let me know which of the three posters you would like.

Many thanks to Andrea Pippins of I Love My Hair, and the always interesting Fly, for sponsoring this giveaway and sharing her talent with all of us.

Just Us Braids Here

The last style I did for Little R was so simple, but dressed up, it looked like something a bit fancier. I think. I started out with freshly washed and detangled hair. I made two parts, each from the forehead to the nape of the neck, leaving a section a couple of inches wide in the center.

In each of the outer sections, I parted just behind the ear and braided a wide, diagonal cornrow toward the center section. In the rest of the outside section, I parted off two boxes and braided the hair in each box. In the center section, I just parted boxes all the way down and braided them. I didn't band the bases of the braids and keep the hair at the base kind of loose.

This didn't look like much when I was done. I had two braids going up and the rest hanging down. I took two corkers and placed them in through the one of the center box sections, just where the cornrow tails landed. I put the cornrows in the corker barrettes and then took the braids in the center sections and let them  hang back between the corkers.

Later I added a second row of corkers just for fun. I think it was about 80% more festive.

My apologies for the lack of photos. I took a bunch, but most were too blurry for even my low standards.

Hey, don't forget to enter the drawing for one of these great natural hair art posters! The winner will be announced tomorrow, so if you haven't entered, better get to it!

Are Perceptions of Natural Hair Shifting? You Tell Me.

Last summer, my sweet daughters decided they wanted Lady Dolls for their birthday, and so began my search for non infant, black dolls with curly hair. I found quite a few and wrote about it here. Many of you added suggestions and our list grew. As I researched, oh okay, window shopped, I also added a bunch of cute dolls to my Amazon store that didn't quite meet my requirements but were great nonetheless. Leading up to the holidays, several wonderful bloggers complied lists of natural hair-friendly dolls and I was really surprised to see that there were a lot more than many of us found just six months before. I don't think we missed them the first time around. In fact, I know we didn't, because I spent hours and hours looking and I know many of you did too. Some of these dolls just weren't readily available then.

That begs the questions, what has changed in the last six months? I can think of a few things that have propelled hair into the spotlight. Sesame Street's I Love My Hair and Willow Smith's Whip My Hair got huge amounts of attention in mainstream media. In October, Essence published a special Hot Hair issue that included natural hair. There has been a groundswell of natural hair blogs, You Tube channels, and social media discussions. Well-established bloggers and vloggers are becoming even more popular and gaining every widening audiences. Essence.com has also just started featuring a weekly natural hair transitioning series written by Afrobella author Patrice Grell Yursik.

I inhabit a really supportive and positive natural hair world all day, every day, through writing, reading, and experience. It can be hard for me to step out of it and gauge the how natural hair is being perceived in general. Still, I think I feel a slight shift in perceptions of not only of natural hair, but of what the growing natural hair community wants in terms goods and services - particularly for our daughters.


What do you think? Are we seeing a shift in perceptions? Are manufacturers responding to demand? Is the beauty standard beginning to broaden? 


Don't be shy, tell me what you think!

A Rounded Afro Looks Good on Her

I didn't want to run the risk of damage by keeping Little B's two puff style in very long so we transitioned to a rounded afro. Some of her hair was quite stretched from the puffs and some was quite compacted but we managed the switch pretty easily by taking these steps just before bed time.

1. I removed the band holding the puff.
2. I gently moved her hair from the gathered position until it was sticking straight up everywhere.
3. I spritzed her hair well with water. I did this over the tub to avoid spraying everything in sight.
4. I added about two quarter sized amounts of a heavier moisturizing cream (not a styling cream) to all of her hair.
5. I gently shaped her hair with my palms until I got a roundish shape. 
6. I spritzed again when her hair was in place to encourage shrinkage.
7. I put her silk sleep cap on for the night. Her hair was slightly damp but not enough to bother her.

The next morning she woke up with a pretty uniform afro. I just had to shape a tiny bit where she favored one side while sleeping. I added a headband and she was good to go. 

Here she is the next day. It was a little lopsided when I took her sleep cap off, so I spritzed with plain water and then added just a tiny bit of moisturizing cream. I shaped it with my hands and added another purple headband.

I don't use picks or any combs to get this look. For me, the most useful tools in creating a rounded afro are water and the shrinkage that comes with it, a sleep cap to provide the initial shape.