Hello Anonymous. My Name is Katie.

A couple of weeks ago, I found the following anonymous comment awaiting moderation in my mailbox.

The styles that you do for your kids hair is just wonderful. But i have noticed while going through old and new posts,that you pay more detail on Little R hairstyles than you do for Little B. I know she has 4b and such, but i wonder if Little B picks up on that difference of how you do their hair. But again just my opinion, anyway enjoy your weekend.

I chose not to publish it for several reasons. While everyone is entitled to an opinion, what Anonymous believes she sees in my approach is simply not there. Another factor in my decision not to publish is that despite the polite opening and ending, I felt some enmity behind the words. The commenter chose to leave her message unsigned and attempted to add this comment to a six month old post - that spoke volumes about intent.

A couple of days ago, a fellow blogger alerted me to a similar comment about my families' hair routines on a product review she contributed to Curly Nikki. That comment was added about a week after I received Anonymous' comment here. It was also posted anonymously but obviously written by the same person. In part, it reads,

Well Little R and Little B i think is there names, well it seems that more attention and care is done to the one with the looser style curls(R)who has 3ish hair versus (B) who has 4b hair. I was just curious if the daughter noticed this when her mom is doing their hair.

This time, I decided to address the question asked. I carefully explained that Little B's hair care and styling actually takes more time than Little R's and we are all pretty happy with how hair care is handled in our family. I don't think my response to Anonymous went far enough though.

Anonymous felt the need to comment again, this time with an undirected statement of curiosity on an unrelated post, and on a unaffiliated blog. I have to assume something significant is weighing on her mind. However, since the concern that Little R's hair receives more time and attention is not only unfounded, but does not take into account other factors such as Little B's easily-stressed hairline, or that detangling type 4 hair takes a bit of time, or that we try to switch off between simple and more time-consuming styles, that different children have different needs, or that most five year old kids just don't want to sit for hours having their hair done, I have to wonder about the larger issue Anonymous is trying to express.

Since Anonymous seems adamant in her supposition that the child with tighter curls doesn't get the same attention or care as her twin, I suspect that the sentiment behind the comment is about about the current beauty standard and the preference for straight hair over looser curls, and looser curls over tight coils. I can see how easy it would be to make an assumption based on a pervasive cultural attitude and then project that assumption on someone else. However, that particular cultural attitude and its baggage are only part of Happy Girl Hair when we tackle issues surrounding the beauty standard and cultural expectations.

The cultural belief that tighter curls as less desirable or less beautiful is just what many of the women who read and contribute to Happy Girl Hair and I are working to mitigate. While I have no personal history of negative association with tightly coiled hair, I know my daughter will experience that outside our home. I hope that by lavishing care, and love on her and her hair, by showing her and telling her how beautiful she is inside and out, and by celebrating all that is uniquely her, she will have the self-confidence she needs to brush off all sorts of unkind remarks. It is my intention that both of my girls will grow to stand tall against criticism, that they will examine motives, and respond intelligently. I also hope they will remember childhood hair time with fondness and look back on photos that capture both the elaborate and the simple styles we created together with pride. I hope they will know how much they are cherished and loved.


You can read both the entire comment posted on Curly Nikki and my response here.

Style Update

Happy Thursday, my friends. Remember those alternating thin and thick cornrows I did for Little B last week? They were kind of fuzzy, right? That happens when cornrows, especially bigger ones, are done on freshly washed and unstretched hair. I didn't have time to prep her hair last week, but once her cornrows had been in a few days, I took them out one by one and rebraided them. The hair was nicely stretched and really ready for much neater braids. Other ways to stretch the hair and make it ready for cornrows include banding it and twisting it.

The girls played Scrabble Junior while I worked on them. I took each out, gave it a tiny spritz, added pomade and brushed it in gently with a natural bristle brush (much like this one). Instead of adding beads at the ends of the cornrows, I gathered them in the center with a pony holder. I like that look much better. Too bad my parts on this one are so, um, interesting.

 Cornrows done just after a co-wash and detangling.

Redone days later with a bit less fuzz and more definition.

From this morning. These are holding up well.

Little R was doing just fine with her "two piggies" as she calls them. We switched it up a bit by braiding them, twisting them, and leaving them loose. I did add a flat twist along her hairline to catch and protect the broken hair along there. That broken hair still makes me wince, but I've learned my lesson.

How are you all doing this Thursday?

Good to Know: Co-washing

I often receive email questions about co-washing, and I read similar questions on hair boards all the time. Most commonly, people simply want to know what co-washing is. Co-washing, conditioner washing, and no poo and all terms for forgoing shampoo in favor of washing with conditioner only.

Many women all along the curl spectrum choose co-washing because cleansing the scalp with conditioner can loosen any dirt but doesn't strip away oil from hair that tends to be dry, and the hair gets conditioned as well. Many people co-wash frequently, with a shampoo wash thrown in now and again. Some people co-wash exclusively. I co-wash my own hair every day with a shampoo wash every so often, Little B's once a week with a once a month shampoo wash, and I co-wash Little R every other wash or so. Finding the right co-washing routine takes some time and experimentation.

To co-wash, simply wet the hair thoroughly with warm water and add conditioner. When washing your child's hair, you can either makes some parts and add conditioner directly to them or put a dollop of conditioner in your hand first and use your fingertips to apply it close to the scalp. Using the fingertips (never the fingernails), massage the scalp very well. This will take a little bit longer than with shampoo. Next, work conditioner through to the ends of the hair, making sure the ends are well covered. It may take several dollops to cover the entire scalp and and all the hair. Let the conditioner remain on the hair for the time indicated on the conditioner instructions. Rinse well.

A lot of people choose to detangle the hair while the hair is saturated with conditioner. Many like to leave the conditioner on longer than the instruction indicate before rinsing it out. There are a few options. However, rinsing is a step that I do not consider optional. Any dirt, dust, and dead skin that is on the scalp will be loosened by the action of washing. If it isn't rinsed away, it will just sit there, on the hair, covered in conditioner. That doesn't sound very appealing, does it?

A co-washing rinse does not need to be followed up with a second application of conditioner; that's the one-step beauty of co-washing. You can add a leave-in after the wash, or if you really like your regular conditioner as a leave-in, add a fresh bit.

Happy co-washing!

Mirror, Mirror: An Art Project for Kids

Although I write a hair blog, we are not a family that focuses on appearance in our everyday lives. Clean, and occasionally neat, is about the extent of our personal beauty standard. When the girls came home from kindergarten last week with little construction paper mirrors they had made, I was really pleased. Each child in the class drew their own face in their mirror. It was a fun, creative way to drive home the point that each child is a unique and beautiful individual.

 Little R                                                            Little B

It would be fun to ask kids to do this every few months and see how their self-image changes as they mature. If you would like to try this little mirror project, feel free to use the little paper mirror I made. You can print this PDF and either cut it out and use it as is, or use the pieces as a pattern for cutting the mirror out of construction paper. You will need scissors for cutting the mirror out, tape or glue to attach the part where the child draws her face, and crayons or markers.

Get the PDF to make a mirror for your own art project.

A Giveaway Winner!

Hooray! We have a winner of our Curly is Cuter bead, snap, and beader giveaway. Many thanks to to all who entered, your names went into a hat and Little R chose one at random.

Our winner is:

Heather & Rick!


Congratulations Heather (and Rick)! Please contact me at joyfulmom@happygirlhair.com to claim your prize and choose your bead colors. Many thanks to Curly is Cuter for providing our lucky winner with a fabulous collection of beads and snaps.

Didn't win this time but still need beads, snaps, or other hair pretties? Head over to Curly is Cuter to check out all of their new items. Shipping on your purchase will be discounted 20% this week only (shipping discount automatically calculated at checkout). Happy shopping!

Banded Ponytails and Wide and Narrow Cornrows

It's another beautiful Sunday and this time I prepared by actually watching a weather report in advance and doing hair early. Go me.

On Thursday evening, I added a really generous amount of coconut oil to the girls' hair. After school on Friday, I co-washed Little B and shampoo washed and conditioned Little R. I added some hair milk and  jojoba oil to both girls' hair after the wash to help retain the moisture.

Little R requested "two piggies" which means two pigtails. To dress it up a little, I did two low, banded ponytails. After finishing, I saw that her part was just slightly off. That happens more often that I care to remember. I let it go because I find that it's often much easier to correct the next day. I was able to fix it quickly on Saturday morning and decided to do three stand twists between the bands since I had to take the style out anyway.

After Little B's co-wash, I detangled her. Her hair had been loose all week and detangling did take a bit longer than usual. I used my fingers to do most of the job and finished with the detangling comb. Once the detangling was done, I parted her hair ear to ear. In the back, I cornrowed vertically, alternating wide cornrows with narrow ones. I ended each cornrow with white beads. I did large pony beads on the big cornrows and small pony and flower beads on the narrow cornrows.

In the front, I made two rows from side to side and then divided each row into three sections. I cornrowed each section, braiding a bit of the hair in section a little further after the cornrow. I then crossed the braid over the the next section in the opposite row and began cornrowing again. I ended each in beads that match her shirt. I can easily change just those beads each day

Don't forget, the drawing for our Curly is Cuter giveaway is tomorrow!

Saturday Spotlight Happy Boy Hair!

Welcome back to the Saturday Spotlight. Thank you to all of the Happy Girl Hair readers who reached out to share styles, routines, and precious children. Today we are proudly featuring Mommy M and ten month old Baby Q. Hooray for Happy Boy Hair!

Here is what Mommy M has to say about sweet Baby Q's and his hair,

He has very thick, course hair, I think 4B, it is fabulous. I have not cut it yet at all so he still has a softer, fuzzy layer on the top. Our goal has been to wait till after his first birthday to cut it. This is his loose hair after a comb out, probably 3-4 or more inches when it is pulled out.

It is very time consuming to comb his hair out and with a wiggly baby who is now walking everywhere, pretty difficult. His hair tangles and mats quite easily, so I have been doing a lot of 2 strand twists and coils, much lower maintenance day to day. I usually leave them in for a week and then alternate with loose hair for a week.

This week I tried cornrows. I had never done them before so I did just the top. I coiled what the ends and then did the back in coils. Products- Taliah Waajid Protective Mist Bodifier and water with apricot oil (Burts Bees, my first "product" before I knew about anything else) to detangle. Taliah Waajid herbal style and shine during styling. The style took me close to 2 hours with him sleeping the whole time. I don’t know if many would really consider it an appropriate style for a boy or not, but my hubby tells me it reminds him of an NFL player so maybe so....

Not holding up too bad by Thursday, just adding some TWPMB daily and "waking up" the coils a little bit. I am mommy to 3 boys, so being able to have fun with Baby Q's hair has been a dream come true!  Happy Styling Everyone.

Mommy M, thank you for sharing Baby Q with us. His smile is like a little ray of sunshine! Your style is really fun. Coil and cornrows make a nice combination.


If you would like to share photos of a recently completed style or loose hair and your child's hair care routine, please send them to joyfulmom@happygirlhair.com with the subject Saturday Spotlight.

Play Time!

A long time ago, I wrote a post about letting the kids play with my hair. It's fun for the kids and it's a great empathy-builder. We haven't done this in some time, but we had a quiet hour late in the afternoon last week and the girls asked to do my hair. I gave them some clips, barrettes, a wide-toothed comb, a spray bottle filled with water, and about a teaspoon of coconut oil. Then I let them have at it.

It was a challenge to take the photo while the girls did my 

hair and Wally tried to nibble on my face.

Little B making a pretty nice two strand twist.

They have matured so much since we last played this little game. Little B used to take the comb or brush, slam it against my head and then drag it through my hair. Now, she is gentle and she can do twists! It was still really uncomfortable; I got poked in the eye three times and had water sprayed down the front of my shirt. That's okay though, it helps me remember to be gentle when I do their hair. The girls were so proud of their work.

Little B's side. Note that I had to remove my sweatshirt;

it was pretty wet from the spray bottle.

Little R went heavy on the coconut oil and light on the barrettes.

Do you do this with your daughter? Do you enjoy it? What has it taught you?

Style Update

We have really been enjoying our week of simple, loose hair. Little B has been switching off between adding a barrette, beads, headband or going with nothing but big, fluffy, soft hair. Little R has tried a big ponytail, a side ponytail, a headband and a couple days of just curls and more curls.

Two hiking girls stop to inspect a spider on a leaf.

Last night, as we were reading On the Banks of Plum Creek (we just met Nellie Oleson!), I was running my free hand through Little B's hair and massaging her scalp. I was so delighted by the way her hair felt. We've been using Alaffia Hair Lotion and Qhemet Amla and Olive Heavy Cream and her is so soft and well-moisturized.

Little R

Little B

Good to Know: Toddler Hair Frizz

Good morning and welcome to Good to Know, where I offer little bits of information that might be helpful to some folks.

We have talked about toddler curls and frizziness here at Happy Girl before, but it is a question that comes up often so I think it deserves a post of its own. I often hear from moms of toddlers who are concerned about an ever-present frizzy section of hair at the back of their little one's head, on one side, on both sides, or some combination of those. Sometimes the child's hair is also thinner, patchy, dry, and/or much shorter there. That bit in the back often just doesn't feel or look like the rest of the hair on the child's head. I always tell worried moms the same thing. It's normal, completely, utterly, and totally normal.

Toddlers need a lot of sleep. Toddlers love to roll around on the floor and put all kinds of things over their heads. By law, toddlers must ride in car seats. All of that adds up to the hair rubbing against bedding, blankets, strollers, and car seat covers almost continually. Who wouldn't have a frizzy patch or breakage after all that?

A certain amount of frizz and fuzz is to be expected with tight curls and coils, that just goes with the curly hair territory. Some hair doesn't have a defined curl pattern at all. Learning to embrace that as part of the curly hair experience serves us all well. But I do understand the unique phenomenon of lots of fairly well-defined curls, with one section of curls that have lost all definition, are easily tangled, and prone to breakage that often accompanies the toddler and preschool years.

While it is normal and will be outgrown, if the constant rubbing is causing a lot of breakage, trying a few of these suggestions might help. Keep in mind that hair grows at its own rate and nothing can be done to accelerate growth rate - no matter what some products promise. When the rest of the hair is growing and one spot is not, what you are experiencing is likely continual breakage from the ends, rather than a lack of growth. Again, this is very normal during the toddler years. Some of the strategies listed below should help with length retention.

• Use a good leave-in to provide moisture. Give the fuzzy patch a little extra love with your favorite leave-in. Adding coconut oil routinely may also help reduce breakage by helping the hair become stronger and more pliable.
• You can sew a piece of satin fabric to the back of the car seat cover. Just be sure to sew it in securely. It doesn't have to be beautiful, it just has to be in the place where her head rubs against the car seat. 
• Avoid daily detangling with combs and picks. Every time the hair is manipulated, there is potential for more breakage. A quick spritz with water and a little leave-in, or a moisturizing spray, combined with light finger combing should be fine for touch-ups. Full detangling to remove shed hair can done periodically.
• Sleep caps are a big help for older toddlers. The age at which you start putting a child in a sleep cap is very individual, but many people agree that age two is appropriate. Make sure you choose a breathable fabric. I'm a safety first type of mom, so I hold new sleep caps up to my mouth and see if I can breathe through them easily before I use them on the girls.
• Switching crib bedding to satin can help protect the hair. Fitted satin crib sheets are not all that easy to find, but some are available here and there is a seller on Ebay who makes them (search for satin crib sheets).

A friend made these satin pillowcases for the girls. The were perfect for an
airline-sized pillow and we used them before introducing sleep caps. The use
of pillow is recommended for children over age two. 

• If the hair is very short, there isn't much you can do in terms of styling, and that's good because it is easy to pull too hard wrangling short hair into a style. If it is longer, a protective style that doesn't put stress on the scalp may be helpful. Try small box braids or twists. 
• Consider a trim. If the ends of the hair feel brittle and no amount of moisturizer helps, consider a light trim to remove the damaged ends. That will help the hair look better and it will likely be easier to care for. Trimming the hair to even out the length is another option. It's not necessary; it's about your personal preference. I chose to trim Little R's baby mullet.

What is it with kids and their desire to put things on their heads?

The biggest help is time. This will pass. When the days of naps and car seats are over, that one fuzzy section and/or the patchiness should disappear. Getting used to the frizz and fuzz, learning to embrace it, and growing to love it is also a great way to pass the fuzzy-haired toddler years. That love and relaxed attitude is something that will have a lasting, positive impact on how you and your daughter view natural hair.

Hair Care Advice for Curls and Coils

Last week, a very good question arrived in my inbox. A reader (Hi C!) received some advice to avoid all alcohol in hair care products. When she realized her favorite conditioner contained cetyl alcohol, she emailed me to double check. I answered her question by explaining that all alcohols are not drying. Cetyl Alcohol is a waxy substance widely used as a thickening and binding agent in cosmetic preparations.There are other fatty alcohols such as Cetearyl Alcohol, Myristyl Alcohol and Behenyl Alcohol. These are very common in conditioning products.

As C and I were chatting via email, I realized that the initial question was a great example of a bigger issue. It can be tricky to know when to take hair advice, how to tell if advice is reliable, and how to separate the good advice from the bad.

Sometimes, when we are learning something brand new and it's obvious that we are unsure, the advice just seems to pour in. And nothing seems to attract an advice-giver like the exhaustion and confusion of new motherhood. Of course, not all advice is unsolicited, often we go looking for help. Occasionally, what we get might seem less like advice and more like a command. Sometimes misguided advice comes from a seemingly reliable source, like a hair care seminar or a good friend. Getting bad advice is not a problem. Following any and all advice without checking it out first is.

I'm so glad C decided to look further into the advice she got, particularly since it came from a source that most people would never question. She didn't have to reject a perfectly good and effective conditioner that she loves. I have received plenty of email from moms who deeply regret the damage they caused by following advice without checking it out first.

Ironically, I will now offer you what I consider the most important piece of advice regarding hair care. Don't take any hair advice without further investigation. Don't just take my suggestions, your friend's, or your neighbor's. Don't rush to follow advice from the sweet, helpful ladies at church, or your Aunt's best friend's niece, or a stranger who approaches you in Target. Don't take advice from someone just because they have hair that is similar to your child's hair. Don't take advice from hair forums without doing some more research. Be especially wary of anyone who insists that you must use a particular product or do something one way and only one way. Intentions may be good, but sometimes the advice offered isn't right for you or your child.

When trying to determine if advice you have received is good or bad, there are a few ways to go about it.

You can research product ingredients easily by looking them up in an ingredient database. Here are some you can check:

• Cosmetics Info (This is from the cosmetics industry, but I have found it helpful.)
• Skin Deep (This one is a bit overly cautious and alarmist, but knowing that going in makes this database more useful.)
• Tightly Curly Ingredient Listing (This is not exhaustive, but is still quite useful.)

You can use the search functions at these great sites to determine if advice you received is scientifically sound:

• The Natural Haven
• Naturally Curly look for articles by Curl Chemist, Tonya McKay

If you are seeking advice on scalp issue, please see a dermatologist. Your pediatrician should be able to point you in the direction of a pediatric dermatologist, or you can try the Find a Pediatric Dermatologist section of the Society for Pediatric Dermatology website.

If you have received advice that is more a matter preference than of scientific fact, hair care forums may be a good place to look for corroboration. I like to go to a few so I can read a wide range of opinions on the same topic. It's important to keep in mind that forums are sources of experience and opinion, and not everything on them is true for everyone or useful. If that is kept in mind, they can be a wonderful resource.  

Here are some places to go to collect opinions or ask a question:

• Nappturality
• Naturally Curly Curl Talk
• CurlyNikki Forum
• Long Hair Care Forum

Reading, listening, and talking before you follow advice is a great way to avoid pitfalls in hair care. I know that some moms feel so lost and scared when it comes to caring for tightly coiled hair, but there is a wealth of information available to you. Before you settle for any port in the storm, stop, look around, and consider. Once you gather information, the choices you make can be based on your personal preferences and your own common sense. You know your child best. You know her hair best. So when a kind-hearted lady comes up to you at the grocery store and tells you how to care for your child's hair, thank her graciously for her kindness, knowing you have the resources to discover what works for you and your child.

Hair Day! Gone Fishing.

Okay, so we aren't actually fishing, but we have gone off to enjoy each other's company and take an all day break from our usual routine.

Yesterday afternoon, I gave the girls a wash and used the new Darcy's Botanicals conditioner we just bought. I'll try it a few more times before reviewing it, but so far, so good.


On Friday, Little B said, "I need an afro break, because my hair is getting tired." She meant she needed to wear an afro, not take a break from an afro. I have obliged with a pretty, chunky afro. Little R is going with loose curls too.

I hope you are enjoying your weekend as much as we are enjoying ours. I think you will enjoy this week's posts, so come back often!

Saturday Spotlight

Happy weekend everyone! Welcome to the Saturday Spotlight, a special post where we feature styles done by you, the moms of Happy Girl Hair. Today we are visiting with Mommy V and her Little T.

Mommy V has this to say about Little T and the style she created for her,

She is 2.5 and I am always looking for new hair styles and good products. I did this style on her hair last weekend and I was so proud, I feel like I am finally "getting" cornrows. I call this a 2 day style. The top part took an hour and the back around 40 minutes.

Breaking the styling up into two short sessions in a great idea, especially when styling a toddler's hair. V, Thanks for sharing your Little T and your cornrowing journey with us today.


If you would like to share a style you have recently completed, we would love to see it! Please email me at joyfulmom@happygirlhair.com with a few pictures, the first initial of your little one's name, and anything else you want to share. I look forward to hearing from you!

Show Off!

Every Saturday for the last six months, Happy Girl Hair readers from all over the world have been sharing their talents and their precious little ones through our Saturday Spotlight. It's been a joy to see the creative expression and love lavished on little heads. The styles featured have been so inspiring and fun. Many, many thanks to those of you who have shared your skills and given us a little glimpse into your lives.



Tomorrow, the Saturday Spotlight will feature Mommy V and Little T. After that, we don't have any Saturday Spotlights scheduled. I would love to see feature go on and on. If you would too, I need you to send some photos!

The Saturday spotlight is not about elaborate styles, although they are nice too, or professional skills. Simple styles are often as inspiring as those that are complex, and beginners are very welcome to join in. Loose hair and a description of your hair care routine would be perfect for a Saturday Spotlight as well. We also love little boy hair!



Send me an email at joyfulmom@happygirlhair.com and tell me you want to be in a Saturday Spotlight. 

Include the following:

• A few photos of a style you love, or loose hair.
• A little bit of info on what you used to complete the style, or your hair care routine.
• Your child's first initial and age.

Style Update

In yesterday's post, I hinted that you would be hearing more about taking out those soft cloth bands gently. There have been a few times in the last couple of weeks when I have gotten lax about that with Little R's hair. Bands just seem to want to come out, and I really don't have to worry about them getting tangled, so when we are tired or rushed it's easy forget how fragile her curls are. Just a couple of quick, careless band removals near the scalp has left us with some unfortunate breakage. It really showed up after a day or two of her piggyback braids.

I took the piggyback braids out and kept the parts in place. I did simply box braids with using coconut oil and Twisting Cream. I am going to do my best to come up with styles that don't need to be secured at the base, near the scalp. This should be an interesting challenge for Little R's hair, since it is quite fine and doesn't hold styles without a lot of help. You may be seeing quite a bit of loose hair with good shrinkage in the near future.

Little B's hair is having a great week! We loosely gathered her hair into four puffs and then braided the puffs. I only had to regather the puffs today to neaten them up. I took the bands out, but left the braids in, and added some coconut oil and Amla and Olive Heavy Cream to the hair. I smoothed the hair back back towards the center of the puffs with my hands and banded them again loosely.

Otherwise, I have left everything as is. We are both really pleased with this style and the looseness at the base of the puffs. I added beads to the ends of her braids but didn't band them in or use a snap and so far they have stayed in well. One got mysteriously crushed, and two fell off the same braid. We just replaced them and they have been fine - and so cute!

 

 Wow, that is one imperfect part. Luckily, it is only really noticeable in photos!

What have been your worst hair mistakes and/or biggest lessons learned?